Hogwarts' Heroes
by Secret Snoopy
Summary: Harry and Ron must save Hogwarts and Hermione from their arch nemesis Draco Malfoy, all the while avoiding detention from Professor Snape.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to J.K. Rowling, or her alter ego.

Author's Note: I actually formulated this idea quite a while ago. Probably about… three years ago, but then I never used it. So I decided to revive it today. Yes, it's random and pointless. But it's random and pointless fun! Keep in mind that this is a parody, so sensibility is not of much priority, though it does exist in random pockets.

* * *

**Hogwarts' Heroes**

Harry and Ron sat on their four-poster beds, awaiting their information for their next mission. They were still basking in the praise of their last victory.

"My my, that certainly was a wild adventure we had yesterday," Ron recalled. "You did everything of course, while I sat back and waited patiently for you to emerge alive. Which you always do."

"Of course," agreed Harry. "I'm by nature a fame hog. I want it all for myself. And I don't ever get lucky on our missions. My brain just has a way of knowing exactly what to do at that exact moment, and arbitrary objects that seemed insignificant before suddenly gain immensely in value."

While they waited, the door of their bedroom opened.

"What's the password?" Harry demanded at the unwanted intruders.

"Password?" Dean Thomas repeated. "We don't need a password to get into our own room." He entered, with Seamus Finnigan and Neville Longbottom at his tail. They crawled into their respective beds and went to sleep.

"Hurmph!" Ron grunted under his breath. "Those three are always trying to join our team. But they're not allowed, damnit! No one else is allowed, not even Hermione. Until she's ready to exploit her sexuality, she's not allowed to help us."

"True true. By the way, where is Hermione? I haven't seen her all week. I wonder where she went?" Harry wondered to himself.

"Hm, now that I think about it, we both have been so wrapped up in our work to even notice her." Ron stroked his chin in thought. "No wonder why I've been failing all my tests this week."

"Actually, dude, that's just you."

Suddenly, a loud, booming voice engulfed the room, sending everyone awake. "The Mudblood is with me! You must come to my fortress to rescue her!"

"Oh my God!" Harry gasped. "There is only one person that people call a Mudblood, and that is Hermione! That must be her!"

"Yes, we must go save her!" And the two set off on a flight to the fortress of their arch nemesis.

* * *

In the fortress of their arch nemesis, Draco Malfoy let loose a manic cackle of diabolical and pure evil. "This is the best plan I have ever concocted!" He declared to his henchmen, Crabbe and Goyle. "Don't you agree?"

"Yes, yes master," they agreed.

"Of course! When Potty and Weasel come to rescue their Mudblood friend, all will be set into place! Mu _ha__HA_ _**HA**_—"

"Not so fast, Malfoy," Harry and Ron appeared in the fortress from seemingly nowhere. "We have come to rescue Hermione!"

"Are you?" Malfoy arched a dangerously sexy eyebrow.

"Um... isn't that what we just said?" Ron scratched his head.

"How the hell should I know?" Malfoy demanded, annoyed. "Anyway, Granger is with me. Duh. So, you have a choice. Save your Mudblood friend..." he pushed a button on his dashboard and a wall flipped, revealing Hermione enclosed in a glass tube.

"Hermione!" the two super heroes wailed, horrified.

"...Or," Malfoy continued with a malicious smile playing on his lips. "Save Hogwarts."

"Damn you Malfoy, you evil genius!" Harry cursed at his arch nemesis.

"Ha ha, your selective insults only make me stronger!" he exclaimed. "So what will it be? Your silly Mudblood friend, or your silly Hogwarts school?"

Harry and Ron contemplated their options carefully, even opting to rub their chins. This was indeed the most pressing decision they had ever been faced with.

"Hey Malfoy?" Harry said.

"Yeah?"

"Don't you go to Hogwarts too?"

"Eh." Malfoy shrugged. "No loss there. I never really liked the school."

"But master," Goyle ventured. "Didn't you leave your copy of _Advanced Dark Arts for Evil Masters_ in your room there?"

Malfoy thought, his thought process working slower than usual. "Damn it Goyle, you're right." Goyle nodded proudly. "Do you know what this means?"

"Yes?" Goyle leaned in with anticipation.

"You're going to be demoted, because, my God, you're not allowed to outsmart me. So now the balance of power stands as so: Me, Master Malfoy and then Crabbe, then you."

Goyle narrowed his eyes in concentration, trying to think that one out. When his brain began to have seizures, he decided it was finally time to stop. He took a seat beside Crabbe, who was gaping dumbly at a wall.

"Well, I could just kill Granger now, but that ruins the element of my evil plan-ness, doesn't it?" Malfoy realized with a pang of disappointment. "I can let go of my copy of _Advanced Dark Arts for Evil Masters_. So what is your decision, boys?"

"Save the school, Ron!" Hermione cried out from her tube... thing.

"Oh Hermione, no!" Ron blubbered.

"We can't let you die, Hermione!" Harry agreed, his eyes stinging with hot, angry tears.

"Don't worry about me, Ron," Hermione assured him. "It'll be for a good cause."

"Oh, Hermione," Ron continued to blubber.

"I'll miss you a lot, Ron," Hermione began to cry as well.

"Um, hello?" Harry waved his arms in the air frantically. "What about me? Don't I count for anything?" But he was ignored, to his mortification. _Why does Hermione like that butt-ugly Ron Weasley?_ Harry wondered to himself. _I'm like, so much better looking, and everyone likes me, so why not her too? It just doesn't make any sense that she likes Ron but doesn't care about me._

_Besides, _he continued on thinking, wasting precious seconds while his mind was in the gutter. _I have oh-so attractive glasses. And an oh-so attractive scar. Plus, I bet I'm better in bed too... _He barely noticed Ron and Hermione making ga-ga eyes at each other, both savouring the last moments with them both alive simultaneously.

"So," Malfoy pressed on without a smidgen of remorse, because all evil villains are sociopaths. "Have you made your decision yet?"

Harry looked over at Ron, who was still looking longingly at Hermione, sobbing profusely.

"Oh, we can't let Hermione die," Ron kept repeating.

"Don't you see the consequence of that? Hogwarts will be nothing if we save one person! What's the point? She's going to die anyway—"

"Hey!" Hermione yelped from her glass tube.

"—Because that's how evil geniuses work. I mean, come on, she's one person Ron."

"But... we're in lov—"

"Furthermore," Harry continued. "Hermione's a pain in the ass, really. Every time she gets kidnapped, we always have to drop everything to save her. Like the last time, I was having a fun case of diarrhoea. Then we had to up and leave just because she might die. That is becoming quite tedious."

Malfoy was tapping his foot impatiently. "Make a choice boys, or I'm taking both."

"Hermione, we choose to save Hermione," Ron blurted out before thinking.

"Ron, no," screamed Hermione. "Save the school! Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"How can we be sure?" Ron was blubbering again.

"Because duh, do you really think the author would kill off one of the main characters?"

"Well..." Ron tapped his chin. "Fan fiction writers will include character death if the moment merits it, I think. Besides, she's into slash. You're not much but hot air to her."

"Be that as it may," Hermione said. "But the evil genius always makes a mistake that leads to his or her inevitable demise."

Malfoy looked down. "Holy crap! My fly's open!" He turned around and zipped it right up. "I can't believe this; my fly was open all this time? But... I was just talking to all the leaders of the G8 nations, demanding ten trillion dollars. No wonder why they laughed at me... oh my God, I am so embarrassed! This will no doubt ruin my reputation!"

"Okay fine," Hermione said. "Maybe the villain is allowed more than one mistake..."

"Actually," Malfoy unzipped his fly. "I think it looks rather distinguished this way."

"Okay, maybe more..." Hermione sighed.

"You're right," Ron agreed, first smiling admirably at her wit, then blushing at her breathtaking beauty. He turned to Malfoy. "All right. We choose to save Hermione."

"What?" said Harry.

Malfoy looked up from his crotch. "All right then!" he galloped to his control panel and pushed a button. The glass tube rose up, and Hermione stepped out.

"Oh Ron!" she dove into Ron's arms and gave him a firm kiss on the lips.

Harry's eyes clouded over. "Can I have one too?" Neither Hermione nor Ron responded. They were too busy tongue-wrestling to notice.

"They don't seem to care about you," Malfoy pointed out. "My invitation to join me from first year is still open."

Harry looked down at his crotch. "Are you _hitting_ on me? Coz I've been totally waiting for you to make the first move since we reached puberty!"

"What?" Malfoy narrowed his eyes. "I meant to join my team. You can be third in command, after Crabbe, of course." He gestured towards his loyal servant, who still hadn't moved.

"Oh," Harry looked disappointed. "Nevermind."

"Anyway, a deal's a deal." Malfoy searched on his control panel for the large, red circular button. His finger hovered over it. "Any last words?"

"Last words?" Harry repeated. "_I'm_ not dying!"

"Yeah, but your school is. Your school is your life, and destroying it would be like killing a part of you. It's called symbolism you twit. And you know how Tom Riddle felt the same way about Hogwarts as you do? That's called parallelism you imbecile."

Harry began to cry. "How come when you call me mean names it hurts me so?"

"Because," Malfoy moistened his lips with his tongue. "I'm just so incredibly hot that you'd need oven mitts to touch me. I'm so incredibly smart that I understand how to program a VCR... despite being a Muggle-hater and not knowing what VCRs are! Most of all, I'm the best because I just am.

"But enough about my obvious superiority. It's time to complete the task at hand. Say goodbye to your darling Hogwarts before I blow it up into smithereens." He eased his finger on the button of destruction and began to press down.

"**_Stop_**!" Ron screamed, his snogging session with Hermione over.

Malfoy froze. "What is it?"

"I don't know. I'm just trying to stall you."

Malfoy let out an irritated scoff. "Just for that, you're not going to be receiving a loot bag when you leave."

"Damn! I love those little noise-makers!" Harry shot his mate a venomous look. "Nice going."

"Enough with the dramatic pauses and perfectly timed interruptions! I'm going blow up Hogwarts right now! Say goodbye to your friends and your memories!" And he pressed the button.

Nothing blew up.

Nothing exploded.

However, the impact of Malfoy's finger on the button did chip a nail.

"What the... I just got a manicure yesterday!"

"Yay!" Harry, Hermione and Ron began jumping around, holding hands in a circle. "Hogwarts is safe for another year, Hogwarts is safe for another year..."

Then the realization hit. "Oh crappit! Dobby didn't carry out the plan! Maybe I should have put further consideration in his 'Dobby is not a servant for the Malfoy's anymore, I only obey Harry Potter because Dobby loves Harry Potter!' speech. Whoopsie daisy."

And like every other failed evil villain, he shot himself into space to further contemplate his existence. Not without setting his secret fortress on self-destruct first.

"Ha ha, I thought of everything! Prepare to die!" Malfoy bellowed from his space capsule. He then proceeded to blast himself into the universe, without any food or supplies.

"What do we do?" Harry squawked, flapping his arms madly.

"Check the King! Check the King!"

Harry and Hermione stared at him.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to make myself sound important," Ron said sheepishly.

Hermione was suddenly struck with an idea. "Ooh, from what I read from the book _What to Do if You Ever Become Trapped in an Evil Fortress of Doom and Need an Escape Plan Volume XXVIII, _all we have to do is..."

"What? What?" Harry and Ron were screaming.

"...Apparate out!"

"But I can't apparate because I'm too young!" Harry said.

"And I can't apparate because I'm too stupid!" Ron added.

"Don't worry, as long as I can do everything that requires half a brain cell for you guys, we'll be fine. Aren't you happy that I'm still alive?" Both boys linked arms with Hermione and the three of them apparated back to Hogwarts.

"What's this?" Professor Snape just happened to be passing by when they appeared by the fireplace in their Gryffindor common room. "Not only were you breaking Dumbledore's no apparating in the Hogwarts building rule and defying the laws of physics, but you didn't hand in your Potions essays! Fifty points from each of you for each misdeed, so that total comes out to..." His eyes squinted in concentration.

"Four-hundred and fifty points, Professor," Hermione informed him, doing the arithmetic quickly in her head.

"Another fifty points from Gryffindor for that foul outburst, Miss Granger!" And Professor Snape walked out of their common room, feeling better about himself.

The trio stood frozen, allowing all the new found information to absorb.

"Well," Ron began, his mouth cracking into a smile. "At least we didn't get detention!"

**The End

* * *

**

Author's Note: Yeah, I know that was completely random and had no point whatsoever, but it was fun to write. I wouldn't remind a few reviews. Feel free to flame. I don't mind, because it's cold today.


End file.
